February

Last month was a doozie.

Starting on Feb 1st through Feb 17th, my dad has "spells" every day. I was certain that he was having temporal lobe seizures -- up to 12 per day, some lasting up to 14 hours. I helped Mom get dad into the hospital so he could be monitored. Then their GP told mom that the time had come to find a placement for my dad. That meant finding a nursing home. Mom and I spent Saturday the 16th visiting seven skilled nursing facilities. The first place we visited was depressing. It was an older facility, low ceilings, dark small rooms and the smell made me want to vomit. Mom was just crying and saying that she'd just take Daddy home and stop complaining.

We found two other facilities that were much nicer that day. Unfortunately, those facilities denied admission to my dad. They were the first of eight facilities, in total, that turned us down.

As of 4 PM on Tuesday the 19th, I was back at square one, needing to find a nursing home. Mom and I visited three more facilities that evening. The first one was very nice, the second facility was much too large and the last was even more depressing than the very first facility we saw. Mom cried after touring that facility as well.

The next day while I was in Bible Study, I received 3 phone calls: 1) another denial for admission, 2) an acceptance and 3) a call requesting dad's information from a facility we'd toured the night before. The acceptance was from the first of the three facilities we'd toured the night before. It was the facility that I liked the most. It's not too large (only 120 beds) and I have older friends who either have their parents there now, or there were there before they passed away.

As anyone will tell you, there is NO place like home. But, when you are at the end of your rope, physically and mentally, knowing that you've found the nicest place you can find for your loved one is a godsend,.

But we were only there for about 5 days before Dad had to go to Denison for a 5 day video/EEG study. He spent five days hooked up to electrodes to measure his brain waves while being videotaped. He did not have ONE seizure! Murphy's Law was in effect I guess.

The doctor's office did NOT give us all the information we needed prior to admission. Dad had to be kept awake for the first 24 hours. This required that mom or I stay with him 24/7. It's hard to feel that Dad was in a good place for the testing when the doctor's office dropped such a big ball! But the net result of the visit was that 1) the dietician changed his nutrition substitute so that Dad only has to 'eat' 4 times per day now vs. the 7 times per day he was doing before the admission; and 2) even with NO seizure medications on board, Daddy didn't have any seizures.

Does that mean that he no longer has seizures? or are the "spells" the result of too much medication? And since Mom said that the "man" who was there in the hospital room with her for those 4 days was the guy she married -- does that mean that the last anti-seizure medication change caused many of the bipolar behaviors we saw?

I am very lost as to what we should do next.

Mom mentioned that "if he's this good, I could just bring him home."

If she does that, I'll just have to wash my hands of the day-to-day stuff and only help in a crisis.

My oldest DS has finally expressed his thoughts and feelings about the past 8 months and he feels that I"m no longer here for him, that I don't care about him and that "ever since Grandpa started having seizures again, this place [our house] has broken down." I have to agree with that last point. Hearing how he felt made my heart break. I talked about it with the counselor, my husband and my Bible Study ladies. They are praying like mad, interceding on our behalf with the LORD.

My DS and I had a breakfast date today. Just the two of us, no siblings, nobody else. Just us. I asked if there was anything he wanted to talk about. He said no. I must maintain the lines of communication with him. No matter how many problems my dad may have, my son(s) have to take priority. My priorities got all rearranged last June 22nd. They must now return to:

1) God
2) my husband
3) my sons
4) myself and THEN
5) my parents.

Then just as I'm starting to feel that I know the order of my priorities, I get a phone call today asking me to consider teaching a senior adult ladies' Sunday School class. I am flattered beyond words that the woman who called thinks I'm up to the task. But right now, life can't be about what makes me feel good about me. My oldest DS HAS to know that he is a priority in my life -- and one of the highest priorities.

LIfe is full of twists and turns. God is in control. I have to remember THAT fact above all else.