As a result of the awful grief that my church has been going through, many former members of our church came to town today to attend Bro. Kim's memorial service.
I hate the reason for my friends return, because I want Bro. Kim to still be here. But seeing all of those people -- it was just the medicine my soul needed today.
Wendell & Karen, Mike & Tasha, Jim & Rhonda, Mike & Amy, Kristen & Jud, Steve & Ruthie, Stacey & Suzanne, Sharon, Sissy, Joyce...there are too many of you to name! But please know this -- I know your presence was for Martha and the boys, but it sure did me a whole lot of good too. Thanks for making the effort.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Beginning to Heal
Today was the memorial service for Bro. Kim. It was amazing to see how many people came in person to remember this wonderful, faithful man of God.
At the request of his wife Martha, our church choir was part of the service. We sang "Worthy is the Lamb." It was miraculous to see Martha's countenance change as we sang that song. She'd been in deep sorrow as she came into the sanctuary, but when we starting singing that song (one of Kim's favorites), Martha's whole demeanor changed. For that brief moment or two, she moved from grieving her husband's passing to praising her God and King. I want to love Jesus that much too.
Many words were spoken about what a wonderful pastor and teacher Kim was. But one of the things I liked best was when one of the speakers said (and I paraphrase, as it's been a long 4 days), that in the book of John, it's stated that when Jesus was getting ready to leave his disciples, he said this:
"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last..."
And then the speaker said that we are the fruit of Bro. Kim's work; his faithfulness to God's calling on his life. Then this simple fact made a difference. ...that we as fruit have many, many seeds inside us...and it's our job to continue following our calling to glorify God, and by doing so, continue to plant the seeds that Kim planted in us.
I just loved the thought that even though Kim is gone from us, our work, and the work of my children will, in part, be attributed to the faithful work that Kim allowed God to do through him. God is so awesome!!
Lastly, I just have to say this...I don't know WHERE God is going to find another pastor/teacher who can teach me and reach me consistently, every week with something new to say, like Kim did. But this I KNOW -- God will do that, and I may be dragged kicking and screaming into another style of preaching. But I'll bet you anything, that if my grumpy ol' flesh will get out of the way, I'll learn just as many wonderful things about my God from "the new guy" as I ever did from Bro. Kim.
At the request of his wife Martha, our church choir was part of the service. We sang "Worthy is the Lamb." It was miraculous to see Martha's countenance change as we sang that song. She'd been in deep sorrow as she came into the sanctuary, but when we starting singing that song (one of Kim's favorites), Martha's whole demeanor changed. For that brief moment or two, she moved from grieving her husband's passing to praising her God and King. I want to love Jesus that much too.
Many words were spoken about what a wonderful pastor and teacher Kim was. But one of the things I liked best was when one of the speakers said (and I paraphrase, as it's been a long 4 days), that in the book of John, it's stated that when Jesus was getting ready to leave his disciples, he said this:
"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last..."
And then the speaker said that we are the fruit of Bro. Kim's work; his faithfulness to God's calling on his life. Then this simple fact made a difference. ...that we as fruit have many, many seeds inside us...and it's our job to continue following our calling to glorify God, and by doing so, continue to plant the seeds that Kim planted in us.
I just loved the thought that even though Kim is gone from us, our work, and the work of my children will, in part, be attributed to the faithful work that Kim allowed God to do through him. God is so awesome!!
Lastly, I just have to say this...I don't know WHERE God is going to find another pastor/teacher who can teach me and reach me consistently, every week with something new to say, like Kim did. But this I KNOW -- God will do that, and I may be dragged kicking and screaming into another style of preaching. But I'll bet you anything, that if my grumpy ol' flesh will get out of the way, I'll learn just as many wonderful things about my God from "the new guy" as I ever did from Bro. Kim.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Extreme Sorrow
It is with an extremely heavy heart that I write this.
Our beloved pastor, Kim Hall, died this weekend. The worst part is that he took his own life. And that is not because he wasn't a "true Christian" or because there were skeletons in the closet that were about to/or had come out. It was because that horrid, insidious demon named depression was present in his life.
Depression is NOT an indicator that a person is not walking with God; nor, is it an indicator that you "just have unconfessed sin in your life and if you'd just confess, all would be well." Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It is a medical condition and it is NOT a character flaw or due to weak character or morals. Depression is a medical condition. Period, End of story.
My life has been touched by depression, my father's life, his sister's and now my beloved pastor. The past 24 hour have been a series of contrasts for me. Four years ago, my dad tried to take his own life -- he survived, Bro. Kim did not. Dad used one implement, Bro. Kim used another. My mom discovered my dad, Bro. Kim's wife did NOT. (Thank you God!) But both of these men suffered from depression and were on medication.
We are moving through the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I feel it will be a long time before I get out of any of those stages. Shock is the major emotion right now. Grief, crying, "what-ifs" and "if-only"s are present as well.
But this is one thing I know with all my heart:
Bro. Kim is in heaven with Jesus. His depression is gone. He is whole, healthy and happy, living in the presence of the living God.
Yes, we will mourn, but we do not mourn as those who have no hope. I will see Kim again and hopefully, my Nana and Grandpa have already introduced themselves to Kim.
So if you read this, and suffer from depression, and if you think that life would be better for everyone if you were "out of the way." Hear this.. LIFE WILL NOT BE BETTER IF YOU ARE GONE. There is at least one person in this world that will miss you every day for the rest of their life. And for most everyone of us, that number will be higher -- much higher.
You are loved, you are cherished, you are someone's whole world. Please know that God loves you more than you will ever be able to understand. Find a local church, friend, or crisis center. The answer is NOT to take yourself out of the picture. The answer is to change the picture and trust in God and your doctors and your counselors until you can see that the picture is 100%, TOTALLY incomplete without you in it.
Our beloved pastor, Kim Hall, died this weekend. The worst part is that he took his own life. And that is not because he wasn't a "true Christian" or because there were skeletons in the closet that were about to/or had come out. It was because that horrid, insidious demon named depression was present in his life.
Depression is NOT an indicator that a person is not walking with God; nor, is it an indicator that you "just have unconfessed sin in your life and if you'd just confess, all would be well." Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It is a medical condition and it is NOT a character flaw or due to weak character or morals. Depression is a medical condition. Period, End of story.
My life has been touched by depression, my father's life, his sister's and now my beloved pastor. The past 24 hour have been a series of contrasts for me. Four years ago, my dad tried to take his own life -- he survived, Bro. Kim did not. Dad used one implement, Bro. Kim used another. My mom discovered my dad, Bro. Kim's wife did NOT. (Thank you God!) But both of these men suffered from depression and were on medication.
We are moving through the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I feel it will be a long time before I get out of any of those stages. Shock is the major emotion right now. Grief, crying, "what-ifs" and "if-only"s are present as well.
But this is one thing I know with all my heart:
Bro. Kim is in heaven with Jesus. His depression is gone. He is whole, healthy and happy, living in the presence of the living God.
Yes, we will mourn, but we do not mourn as those who have no hope. I will see Kim again and hopefully, my Nana and Grandpa have already introduced themselves to Kim.
So if you read this, and suffer from depression, and if you think that life would be better for everyone if you were "out of the way." Hear this.. LIFE WILL NOT BE BETTER IF YOU ARE GONE. There is at least one person in this world that will miss you every day for the rest of their life. And for most everyone of us, that number will be higher -- much higher.
You are loved, you are cherished, you are someone's whole world. Please know that God loves you more than you will ever be able to understand. Find a local church, friend, or crisis center. The answer is NOT to take yourself out of the picture. The answer is to change the picture and trust in God and your doctors and your counselors until you can see that the picture is 100%, TOTALLY incomplete without you in it.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
blahh
I have been very down in the last week. My sleep schedule is WAY off...so much so that I missed a haircut and color. Now that should tell you something.
My youngest is NOT getting the support he needs at school right now and I'm more paralyzed than anything with the frustration and disappointment in his classroom teacher than anything at this point. He and I worked on homework off and on all weekend long. Not a realistic set of expectations for a 5th grader.
My eldest had a good weekend. My mom had to go to the ER for at UTI and help w/ pain killers and antibiotics. Hubby is busy busy and I am depressed.
I start a 6 week parenting class tomorrow w/ my co-facilitator. I've done all the administrative stuff tonight. Now must get clothes ready and get my bag packed. Have to BE there @ 8:30. and Im NOT a morning person.
My youngest is NOT getting the support he needs at school right now and I'm more paralyzed than anything with the frustration and disappointment in his classroom teacher than anything at this point. He and I worked on homework off and on all weekend long. Not a realistic set of expectations for a 5th grader.
My eldest had a good weekend. My mom had to go to the ER for at UTI and help w/ pain killers and antibiotics. Hubby is busy busy and I am depressed.
I start a 6 week parenting class tomorrow w/ my co-facilitator. I've done all the administrative stuff tonight. Now must get clothes ready and get my bag packed. Have to BE there @ 8:30. and Im NOT a morning person.
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