Extreme Sorrow

It is with an extremely heavy heart that I write this.

Our beloved pastor, Kim Hall, died this weekend. The worst part is that he took his own life. And that is not because he wasn't a "true Christian" or because there were skeletons in the closet that were about to/or had come out. It was because that horrid, insidious demon named depression was present in his life.

Depression is NOT an indicator that a person is not walking with God; nor, is it an indicator that you "just have unconfessed sin in your life and if you'd just confess, all would be well." Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It is a medical condition and it is NOT a character flaw or due to weak character or morals. Depression is a medical condition. Period, End of story.

My life has been touched by depression, my father's life, his sister's and now my beloved pastor. The past 24 hour have been a series of contrasts for me. Four years ago, my dad tried to take his own life -- he survived, Bro. Kim did not. Dad used one implement, Bro. Kim used another. My mom discovered my dad, Bro. Kim's wife did NOT. (Thank you God!) But both of these men suffered from depression and were on medication.

We are moving through the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I feel it will be a long time before I get out of any of those stages. Shock is the major emotion right now. Grief, crying, "what-ifs" and "if-only"s are present as well.

But this is one thing I know with all my heart:

Bro. Kim is in heaven with Jesus. His depression is gone. He is whole, healthy and happy, living in the presence of the living God.
Yes, we will mourn, but we do not mourn as those who have no hope. I will see Kim again and hopefully, my Nana and Grandpa have already introduced themselves to Kim.

So if you read this, and suffer from depression, and if you think that life would be better for everyone if you were "out of the way." Hear this.. LIFE WILL NOT BE BETTER IF YOU ARE GONE. There is at least one person in this world that will miss you every day for the rest of their life. And for most everyone of us, that number will be higher -- much higher.

You are loved, you are cherished, you are someone's whole world. Please know that God loves you more than you will ever be able to understand. Find a local church, friend, or crisis center. The answer is NOT to take yourself out of the picture. The answer is to change the picture and trust in God and your doctors and your counselors until you can see that the picture is 100%, TOTALLY incomplete without you in it.